I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
