You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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