I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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