It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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