I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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