my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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