I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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