tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
