Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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