So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
