p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
People in love make me want to vomit
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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