I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
