Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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