Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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