you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
