I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
