My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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