I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
