Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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