gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Couch. On fire.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
