hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
