Please, let me fuck your mom
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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