So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
