pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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