It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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