his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
