Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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