my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
