So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
