I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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