was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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