cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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