Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
