I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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