I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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