You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
