I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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