i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
