It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
