So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
