And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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