Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
