so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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