Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
