I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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