Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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