you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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