i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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