I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
