Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
