i permit you to call me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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