based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
