I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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