You made me cry and you don't even care
I will die if light touches me.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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