Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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