i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
