Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
