we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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