I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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