If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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