quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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