gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize