You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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