Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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