I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
